“Now. Start now.”
It started as almost a whisper as I emerged from dreamland this morning and became more insistent as I clawed closer to wakefulness. Was I dreaming? Had I left the television on? Was there someone actually in my bedroom with me? (Thankfully, I realized quickly that the third wasn’t true- as I have a terrible habit of jumping out of bed in half-wakefulness and fighting off imaginary intruders. Literally. Yelling and throwing pillows at imaginary villains. Running through half the house before realizing I was dreaming. But alas- those are funny stories for another time.) I wasn’t dreaming… and there wasn’t an intruder… and I wasn’t actually hearing voices. Yet- I felt, as I have for the past few weeks, a nagging towards something. A certain unsettledness. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
“Now. Start now.”
This time of year is always a time of unsettledness for me. Some years worse than others. I don’t know if it’s the finality of the end of summer? The promise of a new academic year? The coziness and joy of my favorite season? For some reason, the shift from summer to fall always affects great change in me. Sometimes I make major life changes. Sometimes I stumble through hard bouts of tough depression. Sometimes it’s a time of great adventure. Sometimes even, just a season of deep contemplation and organization. This year, I can already tell, is going to be a doozy. Not sure how it will manifest, but I can feel the storm brewing just under the surface. So today I woke with a stronger urge towards something. I don’t know if it’s my usual change of season shiftiness? The fifteenth anniversary of September 11th? The clean slate that came with the baptism of my newest nephew? The next step in a trying journey for my dearest friends? For some reason, today… TODAY, was different.
“Now. Start now.”
I’m embarrassed to admit, that I’ve paid to host this domain for over five years now. It was one of my “30 in 30” bucket list items- to start blogging. The written word is a powerful force for me. Song lyrics. Beautiful poetry. Blogs. Great books. Magazine articles. Quotes. Those who have known me for a long time- know my love of these things. I’m the girl that had an overflowing quote book at age thirteen. Who pauses and rewinds television shows to catch a powerful narration on a scribbled piece of paper. Who can’t share books with others for fear of judgment over just how much is underlined, highlighted and dog eared. Who examines and learns song lyrics anytime I dive into a new album of a favorite artist. Who loves to receive a written letter more than just about anything in the whole world. Who has piles of half-filled notebooks containing random journal entry-like thoughts. Who cherishes and savors any beautiful expression of love in word format, whether a card, a thoughtful text or an inspiring email, forever. For some reason, words have always resonated with me. And after a career stop that allowed me just a taste of writing alongside my event planning- I’ve been thirsting to write ever since.
“Now. Start now.”
I’m not a particularly smart person and consider myself solidly in the average intelligence bracket. I know that my grammar and punctuation don’t follow APA style guides. And what does little old me have to say that is so important it would dictate others follow? My average life surely doesn’t offer any type of entertainment (unless I’m recounting stories of fending off imaginary intruders- because that, CLEARLY, is VERY entertaining!) I am not a writer by trade, so what gives me the right? I toyed with topics, ideas, a niche I thought people would enjoy. My dating life (I COULD write a book)? Travel adventures? Positive stories of change happening in the world? Concert reviews? My klutzy journey as a homeowner? Escapades with a new puppy? I even toyed with just blogging to blog and not sharing it with anyone. But the written word is so moving to me because it stirs something or produces a dialog or inspires something.
So why not me and why not now? Who really cares if anyone reads? What if someone actually does? And for that two minutes- I can inspire change? Make someone laugh? Even take someone away from the tediousness of life for a few moments? And what if it fills my bucket and makes my soul happy? Aren’t any of those alone reason enough? As a young person- you hear time and time again… “Enjoy it! It goes by so fast!” “Make the most of this! Before you know it, it will be over.” “Time goes faster and faster the older you get!” I always believed people when they told me that. Truly! My belief ran so deep, that I often found myself stressed that I wasn’t making the most of every moment. That I wasn’t taking enough from each experience. Too many people say these things, for them not to be true. But I don’t think I ever truly understood the power of those words until this year. 2016 has been a shifty time warp of a year full of the bitter and the sweet, as life so often is. I swear I’m still catching my breath from February and suddenly it’s the middle of September. Time continues to march on more quickly than I would like and suddenly life seems so, so short. And what, truly, is there to be a afraid of, other than that?
So now. I’m starting now.